Expectations: Standards or Sabotage
Are your expectations setting you up for disappointment or raising you up to your best self?
Last week, we explored assumptions—what they are, where they come from, and how they shape our lives. This week, we’re diving deeper into their connection with expectations. Understanding expectations can equip us to navigate life and the upcoming holidays with more clarity, compassion, and resilience.
During the holidays, expectations can run high as we imagine perfect gatherings, joyful interactions, and cherished traditions. While these ideals can bring excitement, they can also create unnecessary pressure or lead to disappointment when reality falls short. On the other hand, some approach the holidays with low or even the worst expectations shaped by past disappointments, strained relationships, or feelings of loss. These negative outlooks can overshadow the season's joy, creating a self-fulfilling cycle of disconnection and unmet emotional needs.
First, let’s break down the concept of expectations. According to the dictionary, to "expect" means:
To consider something probable or certain
To consider something reasonable, due, or necessary
To consider someone bound in duty or obligated
To anticipate or look forward to the coming or occurrence of something
Let’s explore these definitions and how they affect our personal growth, relationships, and mindset.
To Consider Probable or Certain
Our experiences shape what we consider probable or certain. While life lessons can prepare us for future possibilities, difficult childhoods or past traumas can lead to unrealistic expectations, such as expecting only the worst from life or others.
Realistic expectations help us embrace the ebb and flow of life. They don’t foster resentment or bitterness. Instead, they encourage problem-solving, healthy boundaries, and letting go.
We can learn to:
Expect the best in others, understanding that “best” doesn’t mean “perfect.”
Accept people as they are—even if they’re not in a healthy place—and maintain boundaries accordingly.
Don’t be afraid to set boundaries. Boundaries can feel uncomfortable and even make us worry about being perceived as the "bad person," but they are essential for maintaining healthy relationships. It’s often easier to blame others for not meeting our expectations than to confront the discomfort of establishing limits. However, embracing boundaries is a powerful act of self-respect that fosters clarity and mutual understanding. Remember, boundaries are not about pushing people away—they're about creating space for respect. Respect for ourselves and others.
Healthy expectations remind us that life is unpredictable, yet they empower us to approach the future and the unexpected with hope and flexibility.
To Consider Reasonable, Due, or Necessary
Our sense of what’s reasonable or necessary is often tied to our self-perception. When we view ourselves or others through a distorted lens, we set unrealistic expectations, leading to:
Poor problem-solving when mistakes happen
Resentment instead of grace when people fall short
Weak or rigid boundaries
Balanced expectations require us to recalibrate what’s “reasonable” based on reality, not perfection. This helps us offer grace to ourselves and others without sacrificing our emotional health.
To Consider Bound in Duty or Obligated
Balancing expectations during the holidays requires self-awareness and a healthy perspective. When we hold a healthy self-view, we can commit to being our best selves in every situation, support others in their journey to become their best selves, and establish boundaries that are rooted in self-love rather than fear, avoidance, or punishment. By letting go of unrealistic ideals, embracing imperfection, and focusing on meaningful connections, we can navigate the holidays with grace and create moments of true connection, gratitude, and joy—regardless of how they unfold.
Healthy obligations are not driven by guilt or pressure to meet someone else’s standards. Instead, they honor where people are on their journey. We can acknowledge their limitations without feeling resentful or compromising our safety.
To Anticipate or Look Forward to the Coming or Occurrence of
Expectations can also bring joy and excitement, such as anticipating milestones like a wedding, the birth of a child, or a job promotion. These moments are rich with love, hope, and promise.
However, we can also face expectations of grief—such as preparing for the loss of a loved one. While no amount of planning can fully prepare us, realistic expectations can help us navigate these transitions with grace and resilience.
The Unexpected
Life is full of surprises—both good and bad. Often, we respond to unexpected events by forming defense mechanisms, such as preparing for the worst to avoid being blindsided.
But here’s the truth:
Planning for the worst doesn’t shield us from pain—it robs us of the present moment.
Expecting the worst in yourself leads to self-sabotage and reinforces feelings of inadequacy.
Unrealistic expectations of perfection set you up for failure and disappointment.
The key is finding balance:
Plan for rainy days, but don’t live in fear of storms.
Set realistic expectations for yourself and others.
Choose to see the best while accepting imperfections.
When you expect the worst from others, you filter everything through that lens and attract negativity. Similarly, expecting perfection leads to perpetual disappointment—both in yourself and those around you. Healthy expectations empower you to build meaningful connections, foster trust with yourself and others, and maintain boundaries that protect your well-being.
So, what can we do to create healthy, balanced expectations?
Creating healthy, balanced expectations starts with honest self-reflection. Take stock of your expectations and ask yourself critical questions: What assumption is this expectation based on? Is this assumption rooted in reality or shaped by past experiences? Is it helpful or limiting? Examining these foundations allows you to uncover the beliefs driving your expectations and determine if adjustments are necessary.
Be willing to adjust your expectations and embrace discomfort as part of growth. Challenge yourself to approach situations differently. For instance, remind yourself to learn from your decisions instead of expecting perfection. If your boundaries feel unclear, focus on clearly communicating your needs while respecting the boundaries of others. Change can feel uncomfortable, but it creates space for healthier relationships and personal development.
Clear communication is vital for balanced expectations. It’s inappropriate to expect others to read your mind, understand why your expectations exist, or share the same expectations. Take the time to express your expectations clearly and be open to flexibility. Effective communication reduces misunderstandings and fosters stronger connections.
Do not let fear dictate your expectations. Fear of the worst often fuels unrealistic expectations and creates unnecessary stress. It also triggers your survival mechanism and hinders problem-solving, hiding potential solutions and responses. To break this cycle, consider the full spectrum of possibilities: What is the best that could happen? What is the most likely outcome? What is the worst that could happen, and how could you handle it? Preparing for obstacles with a calm and realistic approach allows you to stay grounded without letting fear dictate your expectations.
Finally, check in with yourself regularly to assess your peace. Reflect on whether your expectations are robbing you of the present moment or creating unnecessary tension. If they are, consider letting go of those that don’t serve you and refocus on expectations that support your well-being and the joy of living in the here and now.
Your expectations shape your reality. When grounded in self-awareness and balanced thinking, they can guide you toward healthier relationships, greater fulfillment, and a more resilient mindset. Let go of what no longer serves you, and embrace expectations that uplift rather than limit your potential.
When our expectations are met or fall short, they influence how we perceive and judge the moment. These judgments can shape our experiences and responses in powerful ways. Stay tuned for next week’s blog as we dive into the concept of judgments and how they affect our lives. And remember—you’ve got this!
-Dr. Jennie
I would love to hear your thoughts, ideas, or questions. Please feel free to drop those in the comments section below. Let’s talk!
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