Assumptions: Useful or Harmful?
"We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are"
-Anais Nin
"Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in"
-Alan Alda
Last week, I wrote about self-image and its profound influence on how we interact with ourselves, others, and the world around us. Over the coming weeks, I’ll be exploring assumptions, expectations, and judgments—examining what they are, where they come from, and how they shape and are shaped by each other.
Self-image plays a crucial role in how assumptions are developed and applied in our lives. As last week’s blog mentioned, “lack of self-value leads us to believe or assume others devalue us too, while overvaluing ourselves creates unrealistic expectations for how others should treat us.”
So what are assumptions? The dictionary defines assumptions as “a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.” Where do assumptions come from? Perceptions are often the precursor to assumptions. While perceptions are a gift, coupled with negative assumptions, they can be misguided and cause us to react in ways that are not beneficial. When we perceive a facial expression, body language, tone, etc., our brain will search for the best interpretation of these things, and it will use our past experiences, training, culture/family systems, and intuition/discernment to come up with a meaning:
Past experiences: If we have not done the work to address childhood trauma or thinking, the interpretation of these perceptions will be based on childlike understanding of our past experiences or what others have taught us through our developmental stages. Childhood experiences often form the basis of our beliefs about ourselves and others. When we fail to process or challenge these experiences from an adult cognitive perspective, we may continue to make assumptions based on our emotional responses from childhood.
Training/professional knowledge: Our training or education can influence our belief systems and create assumptions rooted in specialized knowledge and learned awareness. This can be helpful, but can also be harmful when we exclude the uniqueness of individuals.
Culture and family systems: Generational patterns of thinking and behavior can be passed down verbally or through lived experiences and can contribute to creating assumptions about others positive and negative.
Intuition/Discernment: Assumptions can come from that inner part of ourselves that speaks up when it detects something good or bad.
Assumptions can be both helpful and harmful. Assumptions are not innately good or bad. So, it is important that we understand why and how we are using them.
Positive Use of Assumptions
Financial and Project Planning: Assumptions can be useful in financial budgeting or project planning. They allow the individual to understand the premise they are working from and evaluate their decisions to determine whether they are based on accurate or inaccurate market assumptions.
Research Transparency: Noting and understanding assumptions is critical for maintaining transparency and accountability in research.
Preparation for Events: Assumptions can help prepare us for upcoming events, conversations, and projects. This can be a positive use of assumptions if used to empower the individual rather than be used to prepare a defense or prepare for failure or rejection. Setting yourself up for defense may cause the need for a defense instead of using the assumption to address concerns so that defensiveness is not necessary.
Negative Use of Assumptions
Guardedness and Distrust: Assuming the worst of others and ourselves creates a guarded approach to situations and conversations and prevents the creation of a safe environment or space for people to be themselves, grow, and connect.
Limited Perspective: Assumptions can prevent us from considering new perspectives and truths. When we give too much weight to our assumptions and consider them to be THE truth, we will listen to respond and close ourselves off to understanding differing perspectives. If we consider our assumptions to be true, we will hear what others have to say through the filter of our assumptions (or us being right and them being wrong) instead of being able to actively listen to others with objectivity.
Communication Barriers: In conversations, assumptions remove the other person from the conversation and rob them of the dignity and respect to communicate for themselves. Whether it’s a facial expression, body language, or what and how they said something, it is important not to allow assumptions to dictate the conversation. Assumptions can rob others of the chance to express themselves authentically and can lead to misunderstandings and tension.
Balancing Assumptions:
Be Open and Transparent: When making assumptions, be open and transparent about your assumptions and acknowledge your willingness to be wrong. Not being open about your assumptions can create confusion in communication and lead to negative conflict. Being open about your assumptions can create clarity in communication and lead to positive conflict.
Reflect on Harmful Assumptions: If your assumptions are harmful or could be hurtful to another, reflect on why that is your assumption and ask yourself, “Do I have healthy boundaries?” If you have negative assumptions about another person but continue to put yourself in unhealthy situations with them, the problem is not the assumption(s). Negative assumptions often point to unresolved issues with boundaries in relationships or within yourself. Ask yourself, “Are these assumptions valid or do they reflect unresolved issues within myself?”
Ask Questions: When you perceive a facial expression, body language, or tone that may be triggering from past experiences, tap into your new “coding and decoding” skills and ask the other person clarifying questions about what it means. You could say something like, “I noticed a change in your facial expression. Did I say something to upset you or something you disagree with?” Rather than allowing assumptions to control the conversation, ask more questions. Give the other person the dignity and respect to communicate for themselves what it means by seeking to understand the other person’s perspective and experiences. Understanding does not mean you will agree with each other, but all parties can feel heard and understood.
Assumptions, while often inevitable, can shape our experiences, relationships, and personal growth in profound ways. By understanding their origins—whether rooted in past experiences, professional knowledge, cultural influences, or intuition—we can become more aware of their impact on our behavior and interactions. Recognizing the positive uses of assumptions allows us to prepare, plan, and connect with others more effectively. On the other hand, acknowledging and challenging the negative aspects helps prevent assumptions from becoming barriers to communication and growth. Ultimately, reflecting on and being transparent about our assumptions creates space for healthier relationships, clearer communication, and deeper personal insight.
Understanding assumptions lays the foundation for next week’s discussion on expectations... Stay tuned...and remember, you got this!
-Dr. Jennie
I would love to hear your thoughts, ideas, or questions. Please feel free to drop those in the comments section below. Let’s talk!
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