Matching Energy
I see a lot of memes about matching energy with others. I’m always surprised, however, by how it’s used. It often refers to the matching of someone else’s negative energy, as if to say, “I will not only match your negative energy, I will outdo it.” It is used as a way of establishing dominance and power in a threatening situation. This culturally accepted expression mimics an earlier version of “you got to give respect to get respect.” In both cases, what is being communicated is if you want me to act right, you need to act right first.
This type of thinking gives others power over who we are and how we respond to situations. One of my life mottos is to “never let others dictate who you are.” I decided a long time ago that if I had to answer for my actions one day, then I could not allow others to decide what those actions were going to be. I am responsible for who I am, and who I am is dictated by how I think. I do not want another person’s disrespectful, harmful, or unhealthy behavior to dictate who I am. Instead, I want to choose who I am and want to give people I respect and admire and who challenge me to be a better person the opportunity to influence my thinking and choices.
I try to journal every morning (although I’m not always successful) during my daily devotions and prayer. During one of those moments, God spoke to me. What if…when people acted disrespectfully or negatively, that was really their pain in action? Just like it was when I acted poorly? God challenged me that day to “not take other people’s pain personally.” That day I decided I did not want other people’s pain to dictate who I am.
What if…instead of matching other people’s negative behavior, I responded with what I have learned and was the one that influenced someone else positively? What if…I responded with a healthy boundary or with self-control? What if…I responded with a question to better understand why the person was upset?
Most people are worried that kindness can be mistaken for weakness or that if they are kind, they will be hurt. But where does this message come from? People that were going to be hurtful whether we were kind or not? Again, if I learn not to take other people’s pain personally and to not allow others to dictate who I am, then I can also choose who I allow to influence me and be in my circle of influence.
By choosing for yourself who you are and not allowing other people’s actions to dictate who you are, you build trust with yourself and others! This will establish rapport and create a more cohesive and productive interaction and environment. Today, choose to be your best self!
-Coach Jennie
To learn more about healthy boundaries in communication and healthy conflict with others, check out our training on Professional Communication or Conflict Management or connect with one of our coaches.
I would love to hear your thoughts, ideas, or questions. Please feel free to drop those in the comments section below. Let’s talk!
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