Blame

A Dangerous Practice

What is blame?

• Blame is defined as assigning responsibility for a fault or wrong.

Blame is an interesting concept. For some, the need to figure out who is at fault or who is to blame is the key to solving the issue. But once you figure out who is to “blame,” what then? Blame assigns responsibility, so assigning blame gives someone else the responsibility, but what are we giving them responsibility over? Do we even want this person to have responsibility for the issue?

When we consider blame from a child’s perspective, it makes sense. Others are responsible for their well-being. Children look to their caregivers for their needs: physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. So, for a child to blame when those needs are not met makes sense in their context.

However, when we become adults, nobody else is responsible for us. To give someone else responsibility over our needs, well-being, or safety seems out of context. Now, this does not mean that in healthy relationships, we don’t share relationship responsibilities. But as adults, if we continue to blame others for where our life is at or how our life is turning out, we run the risk of waiting for others to change it. Blame not only assigns responsibility to someone else for the very thing we are blaming them for, but it gives up our power to choose differently and take authority in our own lives.

Perhaps blaming others is easier than taking responsibility for a choice we would rather not make? Maybe staying in blame helps us avoid the unknown or the fear of failure if we choose differently? Could it be possible that it is easier to be angry at someone else than vulnerable with ourselves? Blame puts our growth on hold because it helps us avoid the things we need to deal with within ourselves.

Whether we are stuck in blame at work, at home, at school, etc...blame robs us of our power and impedes our ability to move forward.

This does not mean to stop blaming others and start blaming yourself. Blame is blame…it’s not healthy. Instead:

• Lean into understanding your pain or frustration.

• Self-reflect on your part in the situation (Did you overlook red flags?, Did you ignore your intuition?, Is this a repeated pattern?, Are you communicating expectations and boundaries clearly, etc.)

• Identify what needs to be communicated (boundary, need, apology…all three)

• Focus on what you can control while problem-solving.

It is ok to say, “What you did hurt me,” or “What you did was not ok.” But if we get stuck in blaming others, we will never grab ahold of our authority and step into problem-solving. We will be stuck in being angry with someone else instead of walking in love for ourselves and making choices that move us in a healthy direction. Is there something you are blaming someone else for? You may need to work on forgiving yourself and others, but for today, choose to let go of blame and grab onto the responsibility and authority you have over your own life and choices! You got this!

-Coach Jennie

If you find yourself constantly blaming others or not knowing how to get out of or move past your pain, check out our upcoming workshop on Forgiveness or connect with one of our coaches. Blame is closely related to bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness, all of which can have a negative impact on how you see yourself, others, and the world. Get your power back and move freely into your future!

I would love to hear your thoughts, ideas, or questions. Please feel free to drop those in the comments section below. Let’s talk!